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Thursday, 9 June 2016
BY SHWETA CHOUDHARY
Tears rolled from my eyes, and I squeezed them tightly closed as I tried to ignore the monstrous, deceiving face before me.
Shame and disgust spread throughout my body.
The show would be over soon, and they’d remove the curtain currently hiding our position. I couldn’t believe I was being forced to do this. How could I stop him without making a scene? He chose the best place to execute what we had decided, but this was not how it was supposed to happen. Everything was slipping out of my control. My life was slipping away on the very stage where I had a performance with my soulmate, my Eric. Oh, how far I had gone to have him. If only he had given me what I asked for.
He moved more forcefully inside me, and I had to clench my eyes tighter, scared to see the reality of what was happening. I’d made a grave mistake. God, help me. Let me bear this. Let there be a silver lining. My plan wasn’t going the way I’d intended, but I hoped it worked out in the end. Everything happened here, in the exact spot we were to have the final dance. To achieve my goal, I walked through fire. Sleeping with the enemy, who happened to be my boyfriend’s rival, wasn’t my intention, but I had become desperate. This was just a means for me to get what I needed. It would be easy. I thought I could get through it.
But I didn’t.
I thought I might faint,or vomit. There was no way to tell what was going to happen first. Vomiting seemed a better option. At least this torture would stop then. The nightmare would stop. My heart wanted to burst open and reach out to save me from this filthy man. No. He was not filthy, but I didn’t want it this way.
Jesus. Is this how sex was always going to be? Painful and humiliating?
I hoped not.
His hot, heavy breath covered my face. It was criminal. He shouldn't have smelled so sweet. He should’ve been foul. Filthy. Dirty. Repulsive.
So disgusting that I was definitely not attracted to him now.
Why did I find him handsome still? What was wrong with me?
Digging my fingers into his stomach, I kicked my legs to free myself, but goddammit, he was heavy. Years of working out and this is how he used his strength? Why couldn't God make men weak?
I should have panicked, cried or screamed for help. But I didn’t. If I reacted, if we were found, everything would be destroyed. This would humiliate me.
No, no, no...
I gasped for air. I couldn't. I couldn't make a noise. They’d know. I had to block it.
Nothing is happening to you. You are not feeling. Forget who you are with. I tried telling myself. I tried to ignore the fact that I thought he could help me. He had always been charming and so full of smiles, but now, disgust and hatred filled me. After years of planning, I never believed this would happen. God, it hurt so much. My tears remained unnoticed as this guy,thisfucker,this horrible piece of shit fucked me, thinking I wanted him. I thought I would, but everything was different. This was my realitythough it was unwanted. How could I have been so blind? Maybe this was my punishment for going behind my boyfriend's back, thinking nothing would happen.
“This is just a friendly meeting—a simple, innocent meeting to discuss our goals, plans, wants, and what we each need,” I told him. My boyfriend was so naïve, always believing me. He shouldn’t have. I wasn’t what he thought I was!
I kept silent.
“Helen, my little slut, why are you hiding from me? Don’t you like it?” He pinched my nipples to emphasize his words.
Don’t talk. I have been stupid.
In the back of my mind, I knew what was happening, and why, but I didn’t have to like it. I liked being in control. This wasn’t what I’d planned. It went against what I thought I wanted.
Moving to my ear, he bit my earlobe.
“Hmm? No words today? Answer me, whore!” he whispered harshly, followed by a hard bite on my earlobe again.
He covered my lips with his. “Shhhhhh…quiet. Not a single sound or I will tell your little boyfriend exactly what you’ve been up to behind his back.”
I considered biting his lips, but he seemed to read my mind. “And no biting. I know girls like you. You ask for it and then resist, making us out to be assholes.”
I knew I had asked for it! I thought I would like it. The picture he had painted was all wrong. I deserved this.
I just needed to be quiet.
Look at the irony. My life would take a new turn after this,but I had my doubts now. The illusion he had created was slowly fading away. He left me with my skirt still up. He didn’t even bother covering me. What did I think, that he would take care of me after raping me?
No, it wasn’t rape when this was what I had planned.
Was it rape if I didn’t like the sex? Was it rape when circumstances turned out to not be in my favor?
The man I thought was charming was a monster in the dark.
In my desperation, I became greedy. Out of desperation, I became reckless, and because of that, I met my own nightmare. I threw away something I already had in the hope of getting something else I thought was better.
My want, my need became my own enemy.
But I had to walk through fire to get my reward. I hoped this was worth it.
9 months later
Doomsday had come to bite me on my ass!
I couldn’t tolerate the pain! Someone, take the bitch out!
I screamed out in anguish.
“How long will it take, Doctor? How fucking long will it take to get her out of me? I’ve been here for twenty-four hours now! I need her out now or I’ll sue you! I will sue everyone of you!”
“Deep breaths. It will be over soon and you will have your beautiful daughter in your arms.” Someone rubbed a warm cloth over my head.
“I don’t care. I just want it to be over. Please, do something.”
“Shh,shh…you won’t be saying that after you see her and have her in your arms.”
I would say that, even then.
“Now, what do you intend to name her?”
Name her? Shit. I would name her Disaster,but I had to choose a name. I had chosen the name that would cut the deepest into the heart of the man who forced me to keep her.
I breathed in and out.
“That’s a pretty name,” I heard the nurse reply. Her voice was soothing, which made it a little better. I guess I did something right then.
This baby... no, it’s not a baby. No! It’s a mistake, the consequence of a huge mistake.
The freaking result of the horrible night I had to undergo with the monster. I had been elated when I found out I was pregnant. Everything was going according to my plan. Everything went right down the drain when I found out I was having a girl.
It couldn’t be.
I couldn’t believe my ears.
I had lost everything that day.
“Push now. Push. I can see the head.” Nurses gathered around me, wiping my forehead.
I pushed. I needed this to be over. I pushed with all my might.
Then I heard the cry, that shrill voice indicating her arrival.
Not my baby.
The nurse moved to show her to me, but I closed my eyes, whispering, “No, I don’t want to see her. Take her away.”
From that day forward, she would be the constant reminder of my failure. Of what I could never have.
G: “What are you waiting for?”
M: “Someone to love.”
G: “What if he doesn’t love you back?”
M: “It won’t surprise me.”
Eighteen years later…
“I have to be quick,” I spoke as I ran.
I had to be quick. Quicker than a train, but that was impossible, so I had to run as quickly as my legs could carry me.
I couldn’t afford to be late, not today when my mother was at home and waiting. She never waited for me, so when I received a phone call suddenly while at dance class, for me to come home immediately, I was shocked.
She didn’t know about me attending any classes. But I knew her weakness and hoped I could play my cards well.
The sun had set, and the place was deserted. Oh, how I wished I had decent friends who could give me a ride. The girls here would rather ride with their boyfriends than help me...
While I ran, I tried not to think about the daunting phone call.
Two hours earlier…
I had always loved dancing. It never mattered to me if I was any good at it. I wanted to move, twirl around, and shake my hips.
Dancing gave me a chance to let go and laugh. It made me forget. This was my second favorite activity,only losing the top spot to sex, which I loved. I only cared about what the next step was, how to please the audience. Nothing else mattered. I loved how the audience loved my body,how their eyes followed my moves. I made love to them with my art, and when my part was over, I would receive their loud applause. The feeling was second only to orgasm, to me.
When the show was over, I went backstage without waiting for anyone. After getting paid, I was out.
The fans flocked around the other dancers but not me. I was glad.
I was only ten minutes away from packing up when I got the call.
I didn’t want to pick up. I had a feeling this call wasn’t going to bring me good news. I didn’t want to pick up.
I picked it up.
“Come home directly. Now.”
“No arguments! You come home now or never come home again.”
“I...I am bringing… my...”
“I don't care! You come home or you will have no fucking roof over your head. You hear that, girl? Listen very carefully. You leave there and run to the house. One minute late and I will cut off your legs forever. You get that? Huh? Baby, you get me,don't you?”
I didn't speak at all. I was confused about her call after everything I did to try to convince her to let me go. She didn’t know where I had really gone. But I somehow managed to convince her to let me go study at my friend’s house.
She just smirked and laughed. “A friend, you say? You have a fucking eighteen-year-old housekeeper who cleans shit and a stupid nerd who is always locked in a room to spend time with. Don’t take me to be a fool, child. Who would have you as a friend? Nobody. You are nothing.”
She twisted my ear, and I tried not to wince. “So, where are you going?”
Maeve, think of something!
“She is just someone I know. She needs help. I will bring you money. I promise. Let me go.”
She looked at me skeptically.
I pleaded her with my eyes.
“Okay. Be back soon,”sheconceded,brushing her hands over her jeans as she dismissed me.
“Thank you!” Happiness bubbled inside me, and I did the worst thing ever. I moved to hug her.
She grabbed me by my shoulders before I made contact.
Her eyes flashed with anger as she snarled, pulling her lips back from her teeth.
“I don’t want to touch you, you slut. For all I know, you are going to fuck some random guy who is unable to get his dick wet by anybody else. Just bring me back the money.”
I tried to ignore the knife she used to cut me so deeply. I pushed it to the back of my mind and waved goodbye.
It was decided. I had to go home. Nothing,no excuse could save me now. Not when she was in a mood.
“Okay, okay, I get it. I’m on my way. You don't need to be so dramatic.”
“Oh,little girl,you have no idea how dramatic I can be. Now, home you come.”
Then she beeped out.
I had no idea what her problem was now,but I had to follow her orders or face the consequences. Her orders always had to be followed. I was a puppet in her life, with my mother perfectly playing my strings. She was a perfect daughter to her father. I was just a pain in their ass. One slip, one wrong movement, and I fell in deep. That hole was so deep that it was almost impossible to dig myself back out of. My life was hanging by a thread so thin it could snap at any given moment.
Putting on my heels, I begged almost every dancer to drop me off with no luck. The journey from the dance studio to my house was scary, and I couldn't get a taxi in this area.
I didn’t want to run. I had heels on, and it would kill me to run in those. Damn it. Why the hell did I wear them today, I had no idea.
I frantically looked everywhere, searching for one decent soul who would help me. Please, do something. My throat got tighter and tighter with every passing rejection.
Suddenly, Miranda stopped in front of me. Big tits and sex on legs. You get the picture? Yeah...that type of a girl.
She grinned at me, showing off her perfectly white teeth.
Her grin was too sugary, too sweet, and too artificial. I was almost afraid I’d develop diabetes from just looking at her. I never trusted her and never would,though I couldn't pinpoint the reason. She was always sweet and friendly. I had never seen her slip. I knew everybody considered her a very trustworthy friend, but my instincts told me otherwise.
I was deprived of human interaction, so maybe that was the reason for my confusion and insecurity. It could be that.
Looking at her, I had no idea what she wanted or why she was in my way.
As I kept my face blank, she continued to smile at me. It seemed she was waiting for me to ask her the same question I’d asked everybody else.
By my expression, she knew I was not a fan of her.
She took the initiative. "Well?"
"Well, what? You’re wasting my time. Spit it out and move on."
Her expression slipped a little, showing me a small glimpse of her true character, one which didn’t fit the facade she had created. She quickly recovered, getting her mask back in place, and I thought for a second that I must be going mad.
“Oh, babe, don’t be rude. You know I don’t like rude people. They always make me behave badly.” She took hold of my arms, her nails digging into my skin. My arms were sore,and the bite of her nails was hard enough to make me wince.
“You do understand that I have loads of friends here, don’t you? Do you want me to drop you off or not?Do you see anyone else here offering to help you?” Her smile grew cruel this time. Gone was the sweet girl and back was the bitch in action. I guess I rattled her enough for her to show me her true colors.
“Tell me, chick, do you see anyone paying attention to you?”Miranda questioned.
God had given me too many tyrants. “No, and it’s not like you don’t know why.”
“Yes, I know why they aren’t. They are mine. They know what’s good for them. You don’t, but you should. I will ask once again. Do you want me to give you a ride?”
I knew I had to say something. I had no other option. I had to agree, even if I hated her.
“What? I want words.”
“Yes, I will go with you.”
“Cool!” She clapped her hands, mask back in place. All was good, according to her.
“Can you just give me five minutes? I need to say bye to these fans of mine. You know how it is. They feel bad if I don't. I hope you understand.”
She added that with a wink, and I was shocked. I shifted from leg to leg, wondering why the hell I was even considering accepting a ride from her. I shouldn't trust anyone.
But I was desperate. Desperation was making me weak and needy. My mother’s threat was hovering over my head, pushing my mind in a direction I didn't want to even consider.
Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have dared, but for some reason, I heard myself ask Miranda, "Will you please make it quick? I will try to repay you somehow,but I desperately need to get home. I need to go now."
I rambled,but I didn't care. I was beyond reason. Every cell in my body was aware of the time passing by. I was never this aware of even one second.
“Of course, babe. I will remember your promise. We are in the same class, and as it's my duty,I’m happy to help you.”
I knew she wasn’t doing it out of the goodness of her heart. She saw this as a debt she could collect on in the future. One day, she would knock on my door.
Good thing I didn’t attend school. Not anymore.
But at the same time,she was currently the answer to my prayers.
I jumped a little and hugged her. It was just an act. All fake. But I didn’t want to be traveling down scary roads in the wrong part of town with her alone.
"Just give me two minutes and I will be all yours!”
“Thank you so much! Thank you. I appreciate it.”
“Aww, babe, don't mention it. What’s your name, by the way?”
I was bummed that after one month she didn't know my name, and it only reinforced my original thoughts that I should not trust her. But the situation demanded me to consider this prospect.
"Okay. Meet me outside in two minutes.” She was off.
I pushed my bag over my shoulders and watched as she spoke amicably to her harem. I shouldn’t doubt her. She was helping me,even if she didn’t want to. I shouldn't treat her this way. I should give her a chance.
I smiled at her. Her need to help me was sweet. I turned back and waited in front of the building.
It was dark, and only a few souls were on the road. I shivered even though it wasn't cold. I was just wound up,nervous, scared and excited to get a ride from Miranda. I’d love to get to know her better, and maybe we could be friends.
The next moment, my mind slammed shut at the possibility of such a situation.
Fuck, what was I thinking? I must have lost my mind. Being hungry tended to do that to me.
To pass the time, I opened a dark erotic book written by Jade West; Dirty Bad Wrong. It was getting hotter and more intense as the story progressed and a familiar ache built between my legs. This ache seemed to be intensified by my nervousness, as well. I used to always feel it in there. I was at an increasingly sexy scene when I suddenly realized how much time had passed. Five minutes had come and gone already. I had been standing there for nearly half an hour, and she never showed! I was so engrossed in reading that I didn’t realize she hadn’t come to meet me. I didn’t even hear them coming out! That’s when I panicked.
Running inside, I found the place was empty. Oh,God. Why had I been reading instead of paying attention? Why didn’t she come? I would have noticed. I would have seen her. I ran everywhere, thinking that maybe they were having a discussion. Maybe even a drink?
She can’t do this to me.
I tried every door, every floor, but not a single janitor was present to answer my question.
I turned back to the main gate and saw a man. Oh,God! Security!
“Hey! Don’t close it! I am still here! I am here!” I shouted.
He turned just as I ran to him,barely managing to stop before I plowed into him.
He turned just as I ran to him,barely managing to stop before I plowed into him.
“Why are you still here? You know this place gets closed right away, as soon as show is over. We are only allowed to keep it open when the show is going on and have to lockup as soon as it’s over. Why were you up there, anyway?”
I shouldn’t have listened to her,but I had no choice. She was the only one who would help. I took a gamble and lost.
Fear. I felt it in my veins, felt it in my heart. I was dead. She would kill me.
Breathe. It’s going to be okay.
I ran and ran and ran some more. My legs were sore from exertion, but I had to keep running. Rocks dug into the bare soles of my feet, but I ignored it. I ignored the pain.
I ran until my eyes teared from the sting of the wind. I ran until my lungs hurt.
When I couldn’t run anymore, I dropped beside a tree.
Taking deep breaths, lying down, I tried to regain strength.The grass felt cool against my hot legs. I couldn’t stand it anymore. The fire was too much. I wished it would consume me.
Sitting up, I put my head between my legs and just let go. I cried my heart out. The coolness of my tears as they ran down my cheeks indicated how hard I had run.
My pale cheeks were heated and probably red from all the exertion I had put myself through.
My cries turned into jerky sobs when I realized how desperate I was and how cruel the world had become. My body shook with the force of my outbursts and my heart beat so fast I feared it would give out.
“Why does this happen to me?” I cried. I needed someone I could trust. I was so tired. Why was I only able to meet assholes? It was my mistake, though. I had trusted her. I should have stayed with her and then she wouldn’t have been able to leave me.
My eyes were sore,my eyelids heavy. I couldn’t hold them open any longer. Lying back down,I slept with the night as my blanket.